{greener}

For those of you who have avoided “Glee” thus far, congratulations.  If you have any respect left for Gwyneth Paltrow’s early career left (Remember when she was WAY out of Ben Affleck’s league?), I suggest you refrain from starting.  Or clicking this link.

But because I can’t stop myself, I may start re-capping.  So here’s a very basic guide to diving in mid-series.  I will try to link to the more ridiculous-sounding references in an attempt to mine some journalistic integrity from what will probably come out as a rant.

At its very core, “Glee” is Election,* the Alexander Payne-directed documentary about what I suspect is Reese Witherspoon’s true nature.  That was a joke.  It’s a “fictionalization.”  And like the film, “Glee”‘s most earnest initial endeavors are actually good, if not original.  There’s snappy, self-aware voice-over narration.  There’s not-so-subtle high school satire.  There’s overly long chunks dialogue to accommodate massive strings of slightly relevant jokes.  There’s Tracy Flick, ambitious, soulless, sweater vest-sporting nerd.

Rachel Berry of "Glee" = Tracy Flick of Election

Most of the show’s tween viewership will doubtless have missed the Matthew Broderick bee-stinger, so maybe this is all refreshing to a certain audience.

But then there are songs.

And without detailing the issues of poor lip-synching to made-for-iTunes productions and the jock character’s inability to walk and sing at the same time (much less dance), the songs are problematic because they detract from plot.  Sometimes, they’re sort of germane to the “story.”  Sometimes they’re Lady Gaga covers for no reason.  Mostly they eat up valuable narrative time.

These are some loose general plot lines, if you want to dive in mid-season.

Rachel Berry is a horrible person. (Yes, this is a plot.)  She does selfish and insecure things, usually tied to her dream of being a Broadway star or her main love interest Finn the Bad Dancer.  She dresses like child molester bait, which we’re told is a good thing in more than one episode when she tries to switch things up.  She sings better than Vanessa Hudgens.

Cheerleading coach Sue Sylvester wants to ruin everything. No matter what the situation is, she swoops in to destroy glee club, which, inexplicably seems a massive threat to her position as Queen of the Cheerios, who in turn reign over the school’s social system.  She take every opportunity to squash funding, sabotage their performances, and spat something nasty about glee leader Mr. Schu’s nastier hair gel.

Kurt is gay. Thus, he is an outsider.  Thus, he must cope with his differentness or confront bullies in new ways every time he gets a scene.  He’s actually the most likeable and impressive character on the show (I’ll amend this if they keep Darren Criss around), but still does illogically creepy things sometimes, like create a love nest for his step-brother Finn the Bad Dancer.

Quinn was pregnant.  Last season, this was a bigger deal, because it ruined her royal standing and ousted her from the cheer squad.  And oh, yeah, made her grow a human being inside of her.  To add insult to injury she had to give birth in a messy finale montage, sliced together with the campiest version of “Bohemian Rhapsody” ever made.

At least the little parasite is no longer an issue, pawned off on Rachel/Tracy’s biological mom, who showed up mid-season for that very convenient option, reminding showing telling us that Rachel actually cared about having a mom.  At least for the 20 minutes of air time when people weren’t singing.  This season, Quinn’s former pregnancy just means she won’t put out.  AND SHE’S THE ONLY ONE…

Brittany and Santana are ditzy sluts.  I guess Brittany is a fan favorite or something, probably because she never has a line that’s relevant to whatever terrible storyline is going on.  She’s a bit queer for Santana and Britney Spears, but both get around with everyone.

Mr. Schuster likes Emma.  The glee teacher (Wait.  Does he teach?  Like a real class?) has a thing for the school counselor Emma, who’s currently dating Uncle Jesse from “Full House,” who is a dentist with a motorcycle and special Britney Spears-enhanced laughing gas.  She’s nuts in an OCD way, but Uncle Jesse is a good influence on her.  Nevertheless, Schu is intent on impressing her.  His usual course of action to get her attention is to be sexually inappropriate with his students and make this face a lot.

(via Jezebel.com)

What a charmer.

Sometimes they throw Schu’s zany ex-wife into the picture, but only when they’re really starved for an added element of arbitrary conflict.  So don’t invest much hope in real arc development there.

Or anywhere.

Instead, expect messages.  Being different is hard.  Being different is good.  Co-dependent love is also good.  Shower-stalking is commonplace.  That kind of thing.

And songs.  So many songs.

You can watch a video-blog re-cap of Episode 2X01 here.  It charts Marcus Kaye in a downward spiral of sorts.