{greener}

On the way to church with my parents…

Me: My sty is freaking me out.
[Keep in mind I'm pretty phobic about eyes]
Mom: Oh, you would have liked “Criminal Minds” the other night. It was really creepy.
Me: …thanks?
[pause]
Me: Oh, was it about eyes?
Mom: Yeah, you want to hear about it?
Me: No, please don’t.
[Keep in mind when I say "pretty phobic," I mean "extremely phobic."]
Mom: There was this guy–
Me: Stop it, please–
Mom: –and he would kill people and take out their eyeballs!
Me: I don’t want to hear about it!
[Keep in mind going to the optometrist makes me lightheaded and queasy.]
Dad: And he’d use this ice cream scoop.
Me: AHHHHH!
[Keep in mind I find eyelash curlers and eye-crossing completely unnerving.]
Dad: And he’d put them in animals, like taxidermy.
[long pause in which I wait out wait out their silence with my fingers in my ears while saying "AHHHH!" some more]
Me: I’m never going to church with you guys again.

Now that I’ve transcribed that, I’m going to go dry heave.